Sunsets

Well, I think there are several things that are on my mind so I might as well write about all of them in one post.

First and foremost, is that I feel a very dear and near friend has betrayed me unintentionally. I love my friend very deeply, but I am also very disappointed in them. It makes me realize how much I am different from some and how much some are different from me.

I can somehow look at a situation, analyze it, find the hope that can be there in it, and capitalize on that opportunity. I call it "optimisim". Then this friend, who seems to represent the entire middle east (ok, I'm kidding...but mainly people like my parents, family, family friends, etc.) looks at a situation, finds the reality, settles for what they call "Allah's Will" and then chalks it up to fate. They don't do anything about it! I call this pessimism.

And usually I'm a realist. I never ever once thought of myself as optimistic because that would imply that I'm happy all the time, or that I seem to, well, be happy all the time. I guess that's what I thought optimistic people were. They are energized and ready to go about something.

Well passion is something that I do and can have about something. But I guess I realized from my situation with this friend that despite the fact that I have the propensity to find small happinesses in a lot of little things than find big happinesses in *everything*, I'm still an optimist. Because I can see hope in a situation, and when there is no hope, I create hope.

And it's not about distorting reality. I know my reality. I just like to take things a step further to ensure that if something I see can't become reality, I'll make sure that I'll *try* everything in my power to make it reality if I care about it that deeply. I hope all this "theoretically speaking" stuff makes sense.

So you see, when I found out my friend wasn't going to do something specific for me, I was very hurt. I understood and realized that life can be challenging...people can be challenging...parents can be VERY challenging...but in the end what matters is the depth of respect and trust of your life you have for yourself that matters in the end.

All I'm saying is, I realize now that not everybody is able to change as far as I have since I left home for college. I mean, it was a process I started since junior high...

I told myself, "Neda, you are going to work on this shyness thing until you are as outgoing as the most popular kid in class". Ok, so that goal had toned down A LOT, but coming from a kid that was *painfully* shy, I forced myself to speak in class, or take positions in organizations, or talk more with my friends. Because I was at the level where I was not comfortable in doing any of that. And slowly throughout high school, I became more comfortable and I noticed this change within myself. I saw how by doing such small things and setting such an important goal for myself, I could actually *change* who I was into who I wanted to be. It was thrilling.

I hold the power to self-improve. So it continued, even subconciously throughout college. And college was the most dramatic because it was there that I had the freedom to be myself. I noticed that the quiet demenour that I held was somehow related to being at home a lot. Or the fact that I couldn't stand up and say no was because of the lack of encouragement I seemed to be getting. Slowly little things like this were building up and I took the opportunity to improve myself in these areas.

I'm still shy, it's still sometimes hard to refuse someone's request, and I still have trouble talking a lot or giving people eye contact (this comes and goes). But the most important thing is, I try to *change*. I try to get better at it. And believe me, if you knew me in high school you would know that I have (I even had old friends comment on it).

But this friend of mine that I was talking about earlier, I'm so afraid for them. I'm afraid that attitude that I know a lot of people to have will stay with them forever. That they will be miserable. That they don't know how to take RISKS, to jump a bit when life gives you that golden opportunity to improve yourself and change things. That friend is lacking courage. And I care too much to just step aside and say, "well, there is only so much I can do for them."

Because I like things to change in my world. If it's in a bad spot, I like it to change.

Anyway, that was problem one.

Probably my only real problem, because I am having a hard time accepting it.

I was sitting in my car yesterday, and again it happened that the sun was setting and splashing its orange and yellow glow everywhere. I do not like sunsets. It's crazy, but despite their beauty, there seems to be an inherent sadness to them. To me, it signals the end of things. A sort of finality. But mostly, when I am experiencing it, I always end up thinking back to those days in life when you are with friends and it was one of the best days of your life. You spent the whole day running around with them, talking and laughing, and just *experiencing* life with them, but you hate it because the day is now almost over and this moment in time and the joy that you are experiencing is over. And that is what the sunset always becomes to me. A reminder that "it's over". What's over the day I see it is beyond me. The beautiful day. The memories of people whose company you enjoyed. The love you had for something or someone. Or sometimes what you didn't get to do when you could have.

Always the past. It always reminds me of being 8 years old and running around with friends. Or looking out my window in Seattle and seeing the reflection of the sun setting on those mysterious houses that rested on the hills (no, not Kansas hills...I'm talking "hills" as in really high ones covered in evergreens). That made me sad too back then. So maybe the sunset doesn't represent any of those reminders or memories I just mentioned. It must be something else. Because I know that night time will come, and that is usually when things stop. Everything settles down. Unless I'm going out. But even when something exciting is happing that evening, it still makes me sad.

So I have Sunset Syndrome. That's problem number two.

Finally, I want to end on the note that I want to change my plans a bit. I might not be going to Pakistan this summer after all. I think I will wait until winter break and possibly go to Spain instead. I think I might be going to Mexico this summer, but we'll see. Yes, I caught the travel bug and making full use out of it. I really want to add California and Washington into those plans, but I have to convince some friends first.